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Anticipatory grief

Lynne Baab • Thursday August 6 2026

Anticipatory grief

My beloved husband Dave had permanent scarring on his lungs from pneumonia as a small child. As a result, every virus turned into bronchitis. He didn’t get viruses super often, but in the year that he was 68, he got bronchitis four times. On his 69th birthday, he got a virus that turned into pneumonia. He never completely healed.

In the next three years, Dave had three different diagnoses. The second one was scary, with a short life expectancy and a horrible drug for treatment. While he had that diagnosis, I had a lot of fear about the future. Two years later, he got a different diagnosis, with a drug that actually helped. His breathing got better, but we knew the trajectory would slope down.

I did a lot of grieving over the 11 years of Dave’s chronic lung disease. I have extreme longevity in my heredity, I’m younger than Dave, and I don’t have any chronic diseases that might shorten my life. It seemed very likely Dave would die before me. I was sad about that.

I was experiencing anticipatory grief. I found excellent information about anticipatory grief on the websites of the Cleveland Clinic and Psychology Today. I’ll combine bits and pieces from both websites below.

Anticipatory grief is feeling sad before a loss occurs. Psychologist Regina Josell says that anticipatory grief is “a collection of symptoms — cognitive, behavioral, emotional — that we experience in anticipation of an impending loss. . . . We most commonly associate anticipatory grief with somebody who is very ill or dying — either one’s own impending death or a loved one. But it can also be in reference to other types of losses such as an illness or a forced job change.” Common emotional experiences include sadness, numbness, fear, guilt, and even fleeting moments of relief.

According to neuroscientist Mary-Francis O’Connor, the experience of anticipatory grief is not just emotional. It is also physiological. Grief activates the same brain regions involved in physical pain. This explains why grieving individuals often experience brain fog, sleep disruption, increased irritability, fatigue, and chest tension.

I can attest that managing all those emotions and physiological responses is challenging. I now realize I was doing it for a decade. I feel tired just writing these words!

A month before Dave passed to the next life, our hospice offered a support group on anticipatory grief. It was my first exposure to the wonderful social worker at hospice who offers grief support, with whom I have had a lot of contact in the past few months. During that session five months ago, I told her I thought I had been experiencing anticipatory grief for many years. I asked her if that meant I might grieve for less time after Dave passed.

She said the same thing I have heard her say so many times since then. Grief varies greatly, and that includes the experience of grief after a great deal of anticipatory grief. She told me she had seen the whole range: people who grieved ahead of time and felt peaceful and calm after the death of their loved one, as well as others who grieved deeply before as well as after the death.

Both of the websites I consulted gave advice about how to cope with anticipatory grief. Early support is important. Talk to others, let yourself feel the wide variety of emotions, take care of yourself.

I believe many of my friends are experiencing anticipatory grief right now. Some are watching spouses, parents, children, siblings, and friends decline in health or suffer something that seems unending. Some are dreading upcoming events and transitions. Sometimes a future event simultaneously evokes both celebration and grief. So many of life’s transitions involve loss as well as opportunities.

I wrote two weeks ago that my grief journey has involved stages of guilt and feelings of profound loss. For almost two months, I have felt a great deal of peace and happiness. With my tendency toward self-criticism, I have moments of feeling guilty about that. Surely, I should be sadder! Then, I remember that I have been grieving Dave’s loss for a decade.

Creator God, you made us unified beings, heart, soul, mind, and strength. Help us acknowledge the effect of present or anticipated loss in our emotions, thoughts, actions, and bodies. Companionable and comforting Spirit, thank you that you are with us through all of it. Triune God, we want to rest in your beauty, peace, and steadfast love.

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Next week: More about my grief journey.  Illustration by Dave Baab: Rockaway Beach, California.

The new book of Dave’s watercolors is here. You can buy cards, T-shirts, bags and other items with Dave’s watercolors here.

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